Years ago, a co-worker and friend made an observation about me that she was qualified to make. We’d worked closely as school nurses for years and socialized outside of the school day. We knew a lot about each other– our childhood and college experiences, meeting our husbands, raising our children, and caring for our aging parents. One day, when we were sharing stories about our children, I told her how my son had recently completed a long-held goal. I expressed my concern that he was diving right into his next thing–with no time to stop and appreciate what he’d just accomplished.
“You know, Connie, you do the same thing,” she said. “You don’t stop and see what you’ve accomplished. You just keep on going.”
I heard her comment as the knowing voice of a caring friend–one who helped me see what I couldn’t. Ever since that day, I hear her voice saying that to me at times when I need to slow down and live in the present moment. It’s like she’s reminding to Stop, Take Notice before you move on.
It seems like she would be saying the same thing to me now– a month after being discharged from the hospital where I was treated for bacterial pneumonia. My energy has increased, my cough is only sporadic, and I’m able to do more of my routine household activities. It would be tempting to push forward and try to forget about my illness and the message my body gave me: Slow Down.
On Sunday evening, I look ahead at my calendar for the week. Previously, I would have been pleased to see daily activities, appointments, To-do items filling up many of the hourly spaces. That would feel productive and satisfying since that was my usual pattern. But now, I have lots of blank spaces and I’m trying to start the practice of asking myself these questions before I commit to an activity:
What do I need to do? Is it necessary to sustain my health, maintain my household/finances, help my family/close others, support a cause/group that’s important?
What do I want to do? Is it something that brings me joy, refreshes, or renews me?
How much energy is involved for that activity? What amount of effort is required before, during, and after the activity?
In a previous post, I noted some of what had come out of the days of my illness:
“”This time has created space for clarity. With minimal distractions, without my previous multi-tasking, with a singular focus on getting well, I am slowly emerging“.
These questions I’m considering now, before making commitments, are not based on research or being an expert on priority setting etc. They’re based only on my personal experience, on trying to figure out how to move forward. I don’t know if anything I’ve said resonates with you; I hope it’s not just for my own benefit.
On June 22, it’s been twenty-three years since I was treated for Triple-Negative Breast cancer. As I said in a previous post, “”Both cancer and pneumonia, made me look closely at my life– how I used my energy, how I needed to slow down.” Now, all these years later, at 68 years old, I’m still needing to not rush ahead; instead, I need to stop and look at this latest situation in this new phase of my life.
My hope for you, is that you look at your life, too. Are there questions you need to ask yourself before you commit to activities? Do you need to ask yourself, “What do I want?” Are you realistically evaluating how much energy you expend?
Wishing you the best as you consider your life.
Connie
Connie Rosser Riddle 
Such a great reminder! Doing things for the sake of just being busy can be the wrong choice. ❤️
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Hey Abigail,
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Yes, it’s easy to get caught up in being busy–maybe equivalent to when we’re young being “popular.” But eventually, it wears you out and you can lose the joy of doing what you really love.
Wishing you and your family the best, Abigail!
Connie
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Heh Connie, So glad you’re better! Your essay brings to mind Simon and Garfunkel’s song. “Feeling Groovy.”
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Hey Mary,
Thanks a lot.
I’ll have to go back and listen to “Feeling Groovy.” Nice way to start the week!
Best to you,
Connie
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I am also goal-driven and it has taken me years to eliminate some of the busy-ness and noise from my life – so I really “get” this. Maybe some of it is rooted in our growing up years – we were noticed, acknowledged or rewarded for accomplishments? I was – I’m from a big family and we were competitive about grades, awards, accolades, etc. I also had a Grandmother who was up at 4 with laundry on the line by 5, bread rising by 6 and the house scrubbed down by 7. That is what was modeled — so to sit .. to rest .. to just be .. still feels like I’m cheating somehow. Good that you are pausing and really thinking about what each commitment, task or event means to you and if they are worth doing. P.S. I have this coming week off from work and have resisted filling up every day with “stuff” – errands etc.. have made a few plans but so far a mostly blank calendar is giving me joy!! Glad you are taking care of yourself and healing, MJ
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Thanks, MJ.
Yes, I agree that the family, the time we grew up in, had a big effect on how I view being productive. I love that you said your grandmother started at 4 a.m. Mama used to call me and tell me all she’d done since she started at 6:00 and I felt like a slacker if I didn’t get going until 8:00!!
I’m glad you have this week off and those blank spots in your calendar are bringing you joy. That’s progress! LOL!
As always, thanks for reading and responding, MJ. It always helps to have others who understand what it was like “back then”, especially when they share similar family backgrounds.
Best to you and Enjoy your week off!
Connie
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Oh gosh Connie I love this! I’ve just written these questions down as a reminder to myself to stop and consider the consequence of saying yes to everything I am asked to do! I am also thinking what a great guide this is for patient advocates who find themselves burned out and burdened by their “yeses” too. Thank you for giving us this precious pause to stop and consider.
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Glad this was helpful, Marie.
It sure has taken me a long time to get it! As a daughter, nurse, wife, mother –it has taken me til recent years to look at the costs of all my giving. No wonder I’ve reached 68 years old and feel worn down; time to change this.
I wish you and others the best in considering your lives and what you need.
Connie
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Slow Down= Clearer thinking, Priorities= Worthy thoughts. You have another great piece with loads of information. Is the ever-changing schedule a path or would it better serve you as an account of activity yet to be experienced? My life is so much better without a schedule, other than daily needs. I enjoy reading your works as they provoke thought. Your words keep me in the loop. Love and Blessings to you. John,
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Hey John,
Thanks for your response that helps me to look more deeply. I like how you say “Is the ever-changing schedule a path or would it better serve you as an account of activity yet to be experienced?” Just thinking, now, of “ever-changing schedule” is tiring, tedious. All that scheduling is clutter in our brains; don’t think I would have said that a year ago–before the slow down with pneumonia!
Thinking back over the past weeks–things do evolve as you suggest—those empty spaces, with minimal daily plans, allow for exciting–or not, things to develop. I’m able to be more spontaneous in accepting invitations or more relaxed in the space of that time.
Thanks for helping me to continue to clarify these thoughts and simplify my actions.
Best to you,
Connie
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