Last Sunday evening, I lost a person who’s been very important in my life, Betty. She was my Rosser cousin who was sixteen years older than me and from my earliest memories she’s always been there. She had a brief illness and then died with her family surrounding her. While she was 86 years old, it still came as a shock that she’d died, that she would no longer be where I could go to her. As I walked in that haze of disbelief, that fresh grief that leaves you scattered and sad, moping and not knowing what to do next, memories of our years together floated to my consciousness.

There was a black and white photo when I was around 5, Betty holding her beloved Chihuahua, Rusty’s leash in one hand and mine in the other. How I loved visiting her and my Aunt Essie and Uncle Archie. Those memories in the old photographs are fuzzy but they are clear in the secure feeling of being with those who loved me.

Our families spent every Christmas Eve together and they were some of my favorite times. One year, when she was just starting out in her first teaching position, she gave me an engraved sterling silver locket from Jolly’s Jeweler’s Raleigh. That was ‘bigtime’ when you lived in our small town of Sanford. How proud I was to wear that necklace when we returned to school.

In high school and college, she was always a great listener, hearing about my heartbreaks and my academic challenges. I’d followed her example of going to undergrad and graduate school and she was there for all my graduations. When it was time to settle down and marry, she directed my wedding — as she did for my two sisters.

Years later, she and her daughter, Joy would attend my son Brooks and Emily’s wedding on a snowy February day in the Tennessee hills. Being there for important family moments had always been a priority for Betty.

One of the traits we shared was our love of writing. She published children’s book and devotionals and was a steadfast supporter of my writing. Many times her handwritten notes of encouragement came when my writing goals felt out of reach.

I look back on her life and see a rich tapestry of family and faith, of living into her gifts. She was very present for others and that included her 7 grandchildren and two great grandchildren. Now I see her life as an example of how to live fully all the days of your life.

In the days after I learned of Betty’s death, I thought about something my mother-in-law told me years ago. She was in her seventies and said it was hard to lose so many friends and family members. I tried to empathize, but part of me thought, “Well isn’t that to be expected?” like a fact took care of grief in those older years. But now, at 71, I know that I’m on that same path as I grow older; I’ll face more and more deaths the older I become. Evidently, society feels a lot like I felt.

In an article “Coping with Loss as We Age” by Melanie Donohue LCSW with Blue Moon Senior Counseling , Donohue says: “As we age, death and loss become more common in our families and social circles. Grief is painful at any age, but it’s often overlooked in older adults.”

She adds, “Our society expects people to get used to grief as they age and lose more of their loved ones. However, no matter how many times you’ve experienced loss, it never truly gets easier.”

I think it helps to understand that some of our struggle is growing older in a death-denying culture. If we could accept with grace both life and death as the circle of life, then while we grieve we can also celebrate that life that impacted us so richly.

Donohue goes on to how to deal with these losses:

“Acknowledging and validating your own loss is the most important step toward recovering after the death of a friend or family member.”

Donohue’s article offers ways of coping with grief and is a helpful resource. https://bluemoonseniorcounseling.com/coping-with-loss-as-we-age/

I’ll miss Betty who’s always been there for me and I’ll also feel joy for all she gave to me. She lived her life fully and was not afraid of death, secure in her Christian faith. Now, I will move forward on this journey of life knowing there will be more endings ahead but I will not face them alone. There are fellow sojourners who walk this path beside me.