This week I found a new podcast for women in my age group: The Boomer Woman’s Podcast. The episode I listened to was, “Thriving After Grey Divorce” with Pat Fenner. She described some of the challenges she faced going through her divorce after 37 years of marriage. I could empathize with what a drastic change it is to be single after having a husband for most of your life. But some of the things she said, I couldn’t identify with because our life experiences before divorce had been so different. Most of her activities had been centered around her family and had been with her husband. My nest had been empty for many years and I had pursued my interests, as did my husband, in individual activities and separate friend groups. Looking back on my 40 years of marriage, while doing many things separately became a problem, it also gave me skills for my new single life.

Pat described how hard it had been to go out to eat by herself. I remember that feeling when I took my first solo journey to Sedona. I’d never traveled by myself and was seated in the midst of families and couples on a busy night. At first, I hid behind a brochure, but then I realized I had no reason to hide, nothing to be ashamed of: I’d chosen to eat in rather than taking food back to my motel room. Over time as I had more meals eating alone, I became more comfortable. A friend, who traveled for work, advised me to eat at the bar where many are by themselves.

Then there was the topic of dating. Agnes Knowles, the podcast host and Pat agreed that they weren’t sure they could do that at this point in life–especially online dating. I understand that sentiment because it’s hard to put yourself out there after so many years of the familiar relationship with a spouse. While I was certainly a bit anxious approaching dating at 64 years old, I knew myself enough to know that I’d always wanted to be in a close relationship with a man. Even though it didn’t work out with my husband, it didn’t change what I knew to be true about myself. One of the things that helped me the most was the years I’d spent learning to dance. I had no idea that going to dances, taking the risks of showing up and getting through those first awkward moments, would ultimately pay off when I went through that unexpected change in my life.

It takes energy–mental, emotional, and physical to be involved in a dance community. There are lessons followed by social dances where you see familiar and unfamiliar faces. Once you have enough confidence, most venues encourage women to ask the men to dance–not something we initiated back when I was a young woman. But after those first times of awkwardly asking the guy, and most of them accepting, you’re on your way to being more bold and relaxing into the fun of the evening.

I started off going to dances with my husband. Eventually, he wasn’t interested but encouraged me to go anyway, saying, “You’ve always liked to dance more than me. You should go.” And I did. Later, I realized that there were many who’d gone through divorce in the dance community. Those friends were such a support to me when I went through that difficult time.

Besides dancing, the other thing that helped me prepare for being single was traveling alone. Beyond what I mentioned earlier–eating by myself, setting out on solo journeys had equipped me with many skills that made for an easier transition after divorce. I’d learned to make my own decision about where to go and what I wanted to do. I’d built in ways to watch out for my safety and choose destinations that were better for a woman traveling alone. Each trip added to the richness of my life.

While these skills helped me going through divorce, many women will face these same challenges if they become a widow. Trying to do some of these things before you’re in a situation where you have to may be a way to shore up supports for your life. It could be as simple as going out to eat by yourself, or joining a new group that challenges your comfort, or taking a weekend trip alone to a nearby town. For some women it may be just spending time by yourself and hearing your own voice.

I wish you the best in finding your path.

Connie