Two months from next Wednesday, I’ll set off for my Camino journey. On August 5th, I’ll fly to Porto, Portugal the starting point for my trek that’ll last for 17 days and 173 miles. I’ve been training–more or less, over the past few months, building my time in my trail running shoes, walking for hours to increase my endurance and resolve. Now, time feels like it’s pressing in and I must stay focused to be as physically prepared as possible.

In 2017, I went to my first international pilgrimage site in Iona, Scotland. There, I joined the group of forty people from different countries for a week-long retreat entitled, “The Pilgrimage of Life.” In preparing for that journey, I found a book that seemed perfect for understanding the process of pilgrimage–both internally and physically, The Soul of a Pilgrim: Eight Practices for the Journey Within by Christine Valters Paintner.

What I realized while reading the book, is that whether you’re going for a specific journey or looking at how you walk through life, the same lessons apply; walking an ancient pilgrim path like the Camino, or entering a new phase of life, you face ever-changing challenges. One of those challenges that hits early in planning for a physical journey is doubt. I’ve encountered that many times over the years as I’ve planned my solo journeys. It starts from the very beginning in thoughts of, “Is this what I should do?” Is this where I should go?” And then as the plan starts to materialize the doubts become, “Can you physically do this?” Can you afford this?” The bigger the decision, the higher the stakes, the louder that voice of doubt.

In Paintner’s book, she explores the issue of doubt. In fact, she embraces it and her wisdom is something I’ve been sitting with since I read this passage (p 113):

“The gifts of embracing Doubt as a spiritual practice have been many.”

Various faith groups have different perspectives on what are spiritual practices, but for simplicity, Wikipedia describes a spiritual practice or spiritual discipline as actions and activities undertaken for the purpose of cultivating spiritual development (full definition at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_practice)

Paintner goes on to list three of these gifts”

“I’ve grown in my capacity to Rest in the Tensions of Life.”

“I question Long-Held Assumptions.”

“I plunge Myself more into Mystery.”

How in the world does Paintner find all of this with embracing doubt, I wonder, my doubt starting with her statement.

Then she sums it all up and says, “All this grows the Courage of the Pilgrimage inside of Me.”

I want to explore these three gifts with you in the next weeks of my post, starting now with to “Rest in the Tensions of Life.”

I’ve not always found it easy to rest. It seems that my mind is too busy and my to-do list has typically been too long. I grew up on a farm and watched how hard my parents worked, how little time there was to rest–except, thankfully, for Sunday; we didn’t work on that day when we were in church then visiting relatives. Later in life, after going through breast cancer treatment when I was forty-five, I saw how I was buried under all my activity. Being forced to slow down by eight months of treatment, that was the first time I looked at the need for rest, the requirement for rest to fully recover. It was an opportunity that helped me to become aware, for the first time, how being tired is not only physical but emotional, mental, and even spiritual.

After that eight months, I took a personal inventory and saw that I was overworked, over involved in volunteer activities, and was struggling to return to my pre-cancer life. I wrestled with how to change, taking long walks and having conversations with God, asking what I should do. Finally, a Bible verse from Psalms 46:10 came to me:“Be Still and Know that I Am God.”

I let that settle over me and eventually I let go of all my volunteer activities and everything that I didn’t have to do. Instead of having my mind so cluttered with when my next activity was, what I had to do to prepare, I had more time to focus on fewer things. And more than that, I realized that I didn’t need to do so much to be enough of a person, I only had to “Be.”

But beyond what it is to Rest, the second part of Paintner’s first gift is to do that “in the tensions of life.” We all have varying tensions depending on our life phase and unique situations. We know that there’ll be challenges each day in expected and unexpected ways–whether with family, friends, coworkers, or others. Tensions may arise from different perspectives in how to take care of our parents, how to discipline our children, how to spend money etc.

As someone who has experienced the major life change of divorce, there have been new tensions that are challenging. Over the past few years being single, I’ve written about the ‘toads’ I’ve encountered during my time of online dating. There are many tensions with getting out there and meeting men, going on ‘meet up dates’ and the uncertainty of the follow through. And even when you have longer relationships, the process of getting to know someone at this later point in life– compared to dating in our twenties, is filled with uncertainty that equals an undercurrent of tension, anxiety. That is where Paintner’s statement of “Resting in the Tensions of Life” most speaks to me.

I ask myself how I can rest, Be Still when I’m going through the process of the ups and downs of relationships. Thinking back on previous situations, I can see how the path I’ve taken has unfolded and how I’m at the point where I’m supposed to be. I remember earlier times in very different phases of my life where I got through tense situations, uncertainty that had me doubting the outcome. Whether it’s being in a new relationship as a single person, or navigating the rough waters with a child, we can remember back to times when we came through other uncertain times and arrived at a better place.

I hope that something in this post has resonated with you and what’s going on in your life. Whatever your challenge, whatever tensions you need to remain in and find rest, I wish you success and new courage and confidence in your walk.

Best to you,

Connie