For months I’ve been navigating across the rocks in the river of The Gap– that place between the Old Life and arrival at the bank of the other side where you cross into the New Life; Looking back I’m amazed at all that God has brought me through.
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When you’ve had to be focused on accomplishing tasks like selling your house, moving, pulling together financial papers for a divorce, it suddenly seems very still when there are no huge tasks before you. You’re saying, “What’s next?” in that movement that’s pulled you toward the future and has been the central force in your life since separating.
Now, after crossing over so many rocks in the river, I’m in a period of waiting. I’ve never waited well. I tend to be a goal-focused person and feel a level of anxiety when I don’t think I’m moving forward. Since we’ve completed all that we must do, it’s now the time of waiting for the courts. This is a time when you have to stay on the rock in the river until you’re cleared to climb up the bank of the other side, to the mystery of what lies ahead.
I remember the summer of 2014 when I took my solo journey to Michigan. One of the reasons I made that long road trip was to see Lake Michigan. As one who has always lived on the East Coast, I’d never been impressed when people referred to the vastness of the Great Lakes. When I saw online pictures of Lake Michigan with turquoise water, I really thought those photos had been altered to give the water a more tropical appearance.
My route included a two-night stop in Toledo at my cousin’s, and then I traveled on to Mackinac Island to ride my bike around the perimeter bordered by Lake Huron. After spending the day on my bike, I had the unexpected excitement of seeing Elvis– well a would-be Elvis doing a concert on a stage in the town center. Without the restraint of my husband and two sons warning me not to do anything to embarrass them, I made my way to the edge of the stage. When Elvis finished singing, I went up to that Hunk of Burnin’ Love and asked him to take a picture with me. I’ve always chuckled at this photograph because it reminds me of how free I felt in that moment.
The next day, I drove to Traverse City where I would be close to Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore. There I would see those tropical waters of Lake Michigan–from the same location as the pictures I’d viewed online. I couldn’t wait to get to the dunes, to be by the water.
But when I arrived, there was a complete whiteout, the area shrouded in dense fog from an unexpected front that came through. I was totally disappointed because I’d anticipated that moment of looking out over Lake Michigan as the highlight of my trip–the reason I’d driven over 900 miles by myself.
Standing at that overlook, I could hear the water at the shoreline but couldn’t see beyond 10 feet
After standing there, frozen in disbelief at the change of circumstances, I finally gathered myself and drove to the Ranger station. I asked the staff member when he thought the weather would clear and the visibility return.
“We didn’t expect this. You never know about these things,” he said. “Could be gone by tomorrow. You just have to wait and see.”
He gave me the number for the Park info line to check on weather conditions. I drove back to Traverse City feeling totally disappointed– and foolish, for not checking ahead. Disillusioned, I half-talked-to-myself and half-prayed-to-God, “What am I going to do?”
I stopped at the city marina and paced around the well-landscaped waterfront park, watching the children playing, listening to their laughter. Sitting on the bench, the answer came to me, “Just enjoy these moments of rest. Everything will work out.” How often do you have a relaxing Sunday afternoon, I thought, remembering if I were at home I’d have something scheduled– like church or visiting Mama then dancing at the Elk’s Lodge that night.
I did enjoy that evening, letting go of my disappointment and reworking the next day’s route to go back to Sleeping Bear Dunes. There was time for leisurely phone calls with my family and an excellent dinner at the hotel restaurant followed by watching television.
The next day, I held my breath as I drove into the park and saw no sign of fog, the day much brighter than the one before. I stepped up to the overlook and gasped with excitement when I saw Lake Michigan, the tropical, turquoise-blue waters that were true to the picture.
The people below appear like specks!
It was worth the wait.
I looked out over the lake and drank in the expanse that stretched as far as the eye could see– like the waters of the Atlantic.
So many times since that Michigan journey, the whiteout experience has served as a useful metaphor; being blocked from what I’d longed for, waiting and focusing on the present, then being rewarded with seeing that long-anticipated view.
This week when I was struggling with waiting, I read portions of the book Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I like his summary of the section, “A Time to Wait.”
“Active waiting is being open to the promise yet to be fulfilled. Patient waiting is staying fully in the present moment. Expectant waiting is trusting that this long process will bear fruit.” (pg. 153)
Now, I return to what feels like the final big rock in the river, next to the bank. There I can sit with Nouwen’s definitions of waiting– broken down for me so that waiting feels like doing something and in that I can release my restlessness.
How about you?
Are you experiencing The Gap in any area of your life?
In what ways could Nouwen’s definitions of waiting be helpful for you?
Connie Rosser Riddle 
Great story, Connie! I love the pictures of Lake Michigan and admire your courage to travel so far on your own. Miss seeing you at the Sunday dances….but I’m patiently waiting to see my friends & hit the dance floor again!
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Hey Frances!
So good to hear from you. Yes, waiting for the dances to resume has been so hard. I drove past the Elk’s Lodge the other day and felt such a longing to go in and dance, and laugh with my friends.
It was really a magical moment when I got to see Lake Michigan. I don’t know that I’ll ever do another road trip by myself to such a faraway distance–but I’m glad I did it once. I guess it’s part faith and part naive adventurer that allows me to go alone.
Best to you, Frances and thanks for reading and sharing your response.
Connie
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This one, Connie, really is the best ever, and I know I’ve said that about others and thought that about all your posts. This one applies to everybody, whatever age, in whatever situation he/she may be experiencing. I see your next book arising from this post. ❤️Betty
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Hey Betty,
Thanks so much for your ongoing support of my writing–reading and responding so regularly.
Yes, I’ve found my energy increasing to craft my sequel memoir. The Michigan trip would be the 4th of 7 journeys that follow the Cape Vincent ending of He Heard My Voice. These posts help me to work on that larger project.
Hoping to see you soon. Will call to explain.
Love to you,
Connie
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Isn’t it amazing when something lives up to your expectations? Or surpasses it? 🙂
It feels like I am constantly waiting… waiting for Covid to be a thing of the past so I can go and visit my children in Canada, waiting for business to pick up, waiting for my significant other to come back from doing business far away…waiting, waiting, waiting… Good luck on your side, a whole different life awaits. 🙂
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Hey Zelmare,
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your response.
Yes– we all know waiting from so many different vantage points during this time of the pandemic. I’m sure it has to be hard for you—waiting to be with those you most care about. It will be all the sweeter for having to wait–surpassing, perhaps– your expectations.
I wish you the best with your loved ones and your business–that all things will return to their ‘normal’ and you’ll look back and see things you also gained from your time of waiting.
Connie
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Thank you Connie. It is hard, but we’ll get to the end of all this. Thanks for replying, and again, best of luck. 🙂
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You’re welcome!
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I love the explanation of the different types of waiting. I’ve also never been good at sitting still, at not having a big project or deadlines looming. This pandemic and MBC has definitely forced me to look at that more carefully. Love and hugs to you, Connie!! ❤️
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Hey Abigail,
With the MBC– I’m sure you’re often in a waiting phase. I think it’s especially hard when it has to do with your health.
And then the pandemic, has made everyone look at the lack of control we have in this situation–forced to wait. I hope you find what you need at this time, Abigail. Glad Nouwen’s explanation of types of waiting was helpful for you.
Love and hugs back to you and your family!
Connie
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Very nice piece. The waiting for the Legal segment of separation has its way of forcing you to accept the unexpected. Much like the day at Sleeping Bear Dunes. As you reflect on these Solos I am wondering what you will have to relate with the visit to Warren Dunes. Keep the good work in hand, wait for the time of passage to the other side, then make your first steps to the new life without any timid steps. You have no one to embarrass, with only you to answer to. Your vision will be 20/20, with the means to explore the “you” within. Blessing to you. Love and understanding.
John,
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Hey John,
Thanks so much for reading and responding. I don’t understand “the Warren Dunes.”
I love how you say to make the “first steps to the new life without any timid steps.” I do think God builds my confidence for the mystery ahead and uses this time of waiting.
Best to you, John in finding what you need for your journey, whether in a time of waiting or moving forward.
Connie
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You are welcome.
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That was a nice story; I think you were really brave to go all that way by yourself. That photo of the lake was awesome; I’m glad you ended up having a good time.
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Hey Sheryl,
Thanks for reading and for your supportive response. I think it felt like a doable trip because I had co-workers from Michigan and they talked all the time about that area–so somehow, I felt like I knew where I was going! That happens to me on my journeys, as I often say in my memoir, that I’ll think because I can imagine something–that’s how it is. I’ve been surprised on many trips–with some good results and others, not so much!
Yes, that view of Lake Michigan totally amazed me–especially after the wait.
Best to you, Sheryl,
Connie
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